Perhaps some of you can relate. Have you ever been told that you are simply not aggressive enough, or adversarial enough, to succeed at the table? Those with an aggressive style tend to believe that approaching negotiations (and sometimes relationships generally) this way is the best way to achieve great results.
As a young attorney, I was often confronted with this pressure to be more aggressive, but it never sat well with me. The question in my mind wasn’t so much “how could I change?” but more so, “WHY would I change?” At my core, I have always strongly believed that assertiveness should never translate into aggression. Aggression only breeds negativity. Aggression may still get a contract signed, but it isn’t likely to get you a deal that really works for everyone. There had to be a better way!
After quite a few years of debating changing professions (hairdresser, perhaps?) because I felt the “attorney way” didn’t suit my personality, I finally found a way to carve out my own space and approach for the right clients and, most importantly, with the right team. Our approach is open and collaborative, and creates a “safe space” for people to share and ideate. And, honestly, I believe it is an approach that can get the better results every time.
People seem to forget that businesses don’t really do business – human beings do business – with all of our emotions, biases, thoughts, and experiences. Think about it: when someone is aggressive with you, how do you feel? For me, my very human response is typically negative (I typically gauge this by using my very own “third finger from the right or left” test, but feel free to come up with your own).
In situations where the aggressive person has more of the leverage (say, an employer, or if you are selling a commodity, a buyer), you may have to go along with it to some extent. But ultimately, will they get you at your best? Probably not. You may only do what you have to in order not to face their wrath again. You may be rattled in the face of aggression and not be able to think straight or problem solve. For the employer, you may start looking for another job or do the bare minimum to stay under the radar. For the buyer, you may not proactively approach them with better products or better deals. Human beings behave like this! Why would we want to incentivize this behavior?
In the types of complex deals that Ed Hansen and I do, this would be the absolute worst result. If you, as a buyer, are looking to attract motivated and innovative tech teams to your account, would aggression towards these individuals or your service provider generally enable this? Probably not. A far more collaborative approach is best. It attracts and helps keep the A-team motivated. Problems can be more easily raised and solved for quickly and efficiently. The list of benefits is seemingly endless.
For me, assertiveness is never about aggressiveness. Instead assertiveness comes in the form of protecting my clients without doing harm to the other side. It comes when I stand my ground on my belief that collaboration is a winning approach. It comes when I tell an aggressor that they are wasting everyone’s time with their behavior. And in the past, thankfully, my assertiveness came when I stepped away from aggressiveness and found a team that respected me and embraced an approach I believed in. And more importantly, an approach that works.
